We’ve all had that one boyfriend/girlfriend/other who irritated us to death, but that we just couldn’t bear to break up with because we felt sorry for them. What if there was an alternative – a way to get rid of him that not only doesn’t include breaking up with him, but ensures he’ll be happy to leave you? I have the perfect plan. Mix and match any of these tips to your liking for the perfect lover-repelling experience.
– Make his visits to your place extremely unpleasant. Show him some very old vacation photos and talk about your favorite gas station. Put your male pet in a dress and baby-talk to him. And make him talk back. For you. All the time. Involve him heavily in every conversation. Talk all about his favorite hobbies.
– Attempt to recruit him to help you with some very unpleasant chores. Like scrubbing under the sink. Say you’ve been trying all day but you have a bad back, could he please help? Oh what a darling he is! Oh and don’t forget to get all around the pipes. And get rid of that mysterious corpse-like smell.
-Make your dad, or any other male member of your household walk around in very tight short shorts. He shouldn’t wear a shirt and he should scratch his belly a lot.
– Then start making all kinds of negative comments about “The Jews.” And the “homos” and the commies.
– Turn the tables on him. “Hey Lover, when are we going to get married? Maybe next month, we should elope to Hawaii. You can afford that right? Of course there’s nothing you wouldn’t do for me 😉 How many kids do you want? I’m thinking 6. We will name all of them Lover Jr. I don’t think it will be confusing, because we can just say each one with a different intonation, you know? Or we could put a different symbol in front of each one, like a hashtag. Our family band is going to be amazing. Speaking of which you need to get on those music and marketing lessons, I will not have a lazy husband.”
– “OMG I should tattoo your name on my eyes!!! Wouldn’t that be awesome?? And you can get MY name tattooed on YOUR eyes!! HOLY CRAP THAT WOULD BE SO ROMANTIC!! I’ll make the appointment tomorrow!!”
– “Oh and since we’re getting married I guess I should tell you now. I’m into furries. That’s ok right? I mean I participate in YOUR fetishes. I’m going to buy you a furry head as a wedding gift and you can wear it ALL THE TIME! You are the best boyfriend ever!”
– Goth Rosary brand perfume makes gross smells. Including barf and body cheese. Wear them every time he comes over.
– This is you…
– This is household member/friend #1..
-And the rest just dress like this…
– INSIST that these people become the godparents to your 6 kids. After all somebody will need to watch them when you go on your very frequent vacations to Antarctica.
– Start serving Fancy Feast for dinner. Tell him you just learned how very healthy it is, so now you insist the two of you eat nothing else.
– Keep offering him a beverage, but wink every time you hand it to him.
-Tell him how excited you are about him joining The Last Kindred of the Forgotten Divination, which you’ve already joined.
-Tell him you feel strongly about all sexual contact being only through the use of your astral bodies.
– Pick your nose. With your fork.
-Tell him about your big plans for a career in Philosophy.
– Related to the above, tell him you don’t need an income, because you don’t like, believe in the economy. It’s just an imaginary construct of society, man.
-Tell him you absolutely adore the brilliant musical stylings of Kanye West.